Neo Akatsuki
by Dak Hamee
Summary: When a man tests a machine that awakens past life memories he remembers his past life as Nagato Pein. Thus he revives the Akatsuki with some new friends too.
1. Chapter 1

**Yahiko: hello and welcome to our first chapter, this work has been under heavy work for many years so if you don't like it… I'll kill you. Moving right along, **

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Memory is the key**_

A man stands at a table in a large laboratory. In the middle of the room sits a chair with a large device hung above it.  
"I've done it!" the man shouts spontaneously running around to sit in the chair. "With this I will have unlocked the secret to remembering a persons past life" he said strapping a head set on. "Ok come on baby go!" He hit the switch and the machine roared to life pulsing with electricity as the energy wave flew down toward the man.  
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed waking from the shock. He leapt from the chair gripping his over loading head. "I... I Remember... PEIN!" He roared as he rose out stretching his hands as a massive wave of force blasted from them sending much if the furniture and paper work flying. He ran to a mirror hung in the wall and gazed at his eye that now gleamed a deep purple with 3 thin black rings.  
"I did it, I'm back!" He cheered! He took another look in the mirror. "Interesting that I have Yahiko's body but who cares? I remember everything! My past life, my child hood! My dream! THE AKATSUKI!" he cheered as the door opened and his assistant walked in so absorbed in paper work she was oblivious to the destruction in the room. Pein took one look at her and his eye began to tear up.  
So sir, have you made any progress?" she asked. She was tall with a perfectly shaped body and long blue hair wrapped in a bun with a origami flower in the front. She had a natural talent for origami since childhood that nobody could really explain.

"Konan" Pein said.  
"What was that sir?" She looked up just in time for Pein to grab her and throw her down in the machine. "What the- Whats happening?" ZAAAAAPPPPPP! She shot up out if the chair screaming! "Who what where when why?". She looked around.  
"Did it work my love?" Asked Pein gazing at the woman he had loved in his past life.

"Nagato? Is it really you?" She asked gazing at the man before her. They embraced each other and pressed their lips together absorbed in the passion of the moment. They groped each other until they fell down with a thud giggling and accidentally causing the remote to the small TV to fall and turn on.  
A blond news anchor woman was talking about a special event in the city that day.  
"He's here folks the man you've all been waiting for, the lead singer of the band Raven's Eye, it's Chris Ravenwood".  
Pein and Konan stopped giggling and looked at the screen. The man in the middle of the picture was Itachi Uchiha!  
The former ninja exchanged a look.

"Could it really be coincidence that Itachi is here in the same area as us?" Konan asked. "Maybe it's destiny, maybe god allowed us to remember so that we could reunite the Akatsuki." Pein said.

"Then let's do it, let's go get him!"

"Agreed".

"Wait, but how are we gonna get him to come back here?"

"..." Pein smiled evily. "Give me 10 minutes, in the mean time you search the building for anyworkers who were akatsuki members, I got 20 bucks on you finding Kakuzu in accounting" "Right"

"And contact a tailor, we need our signature outfits"

"Oh yeah!"

**10 minutes later**

"He wasn't in accounting" Konan said walking in.

"Meh no biggy, he's probably at the bank, or in jail for robbing one" Pein laughs remembering the old miser.  
Konan looks at the small device Pein was working on. "Oooo what did you do?"

"I made it portable" Pein smiles victoriously as he holds it up. "Now if we see an Akatsuki member we can blast them and they'll remember everything... Most likely, I haven't tested this thing yet"

"Then let's go and test it" Konan says jingling the car keys.  
They went to the company's garage and hopped in their car, a sleek black Mercedes.

They took off down Main Street headed for the concert Itachi was putting on. Konan looked out the windows her ancient mind blown by the sights while her current mind simply looked at everything as normal. Suddenly she saw something that made her skin crawl.

"STOP!"

"AAAAHHHH- SCEEEEEEECH!" The car skidded to a halt. "WHAT?" Pein shouted.

"Pet store" Konan says pointing at the small shop.  
Pein grimaces. "Konan we've been through this you kill small animals"

"Not that you dumbass the shop keep" she growls.

"What? What abo- Omfg its Orochimaru." Pein pulls out of traffic and parks in front laughing his a** off. "He owns a f***ing pet store BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The king of snakes and probably the only actually evil person in our organization owns a fucking pet store!" Pein holds his sides laughing so hard it hurts.

"Pein shut up and get the machine." Konan snapped.

"What why I'm not blasting him."

"He's one of us"

"He offered to kill us when we were kids."

"We were orphans from the hidden rain village, everyone offered to kill us."

"... Damn it" Pein sighs and grabs his machine from the back seat and walks over kicking open the door. "Orochimaru"

"What is that Japanese? Hold on my nephew speaks a bunch of languages maybe he can help you" Orochimaru says not really paying attention and calls into the back where out pops Kabuto. Orochimaru's nerdy assistant and medical specialist.

"No way" Pein looks at them barely holding in the laughter.

"Uncle I highly doubt he speaks Japanese" Kabuto says to Orochimaru.

"Well he said something in Japanese and I got nothing from it, except this really weird Deja vu feeling."

"I'm certain you just misunderstood" Kabuto turns to Pein. "How may I help you?" He asks with a fake smile.

"... Oh I'm going to enjoy this" Pein grins and lifts up the machine. Kabuto and Orochimaru stare at it.

"What the F*** is tha- ZAAAAAAP!" Orochi gets blasted and collapses.

"Unc- ZAAAAAAPPP!" Kabuto falls as Orochimaru gets up rubbing his head.

"Ow my aching hea- AAAAAHHHHH PEIN!" he ducks behind the counter as Kabuto wakes and does the same. "What are you doing here? Where are we? What's happening?" Orochimaru looks around his 2 mind sets merging into one allowing him to put 2 and 2 together.

"Stop your idiot rambling and let's go, we have to go get Itachi" Pein says heading for the door.

"Itachi, wait what?" Orochi crawls over the counter and lands on his face before getting up and following Pein. "Hey wait up, Kabuto close up the shop!"

"Yes Uncle, er I mean Lord Orochimaru!" Kabuto shouts fumbling a key ring.  
The trio hop in the car Orochimaru and kabuto sitting in the back seat where Pein tosses the device on their laps.

"Hold that, don't break it" Pein orders then turns the ignition and pulls out and heads for the concert.

"I'm confused what's going on exactly?" Orochimaru asks.

"We're getting the old gang back together" Pein says turning down another street. "The device your holding is my own invention, it was designed to awaken memories of a persons past life, I tested it on myself and thus remembered I was Pein, I also recalled how to do this" Pein stuck his hand out the window. Several cylindrical rods sprouted out and launched out like missiles exploding against a car causing a chaotic scream from the civilians nearby. "Huh... Wasn't actually trying to do that, interesting. I wonder." he rolls up the window and places his hand against it. "Summoning jutsu!" he shouts as a symbol appears and a massive drill beaked bird explodes out and flies off to destroy a random building. "Oh that is so cool."

"Those were the cyborg and beast paths attacks" Konan said.

"Oh Konan your here too, you were so quiet I didn't notice you there" Orochimaru laughed.

"Careful Orochi, she's the one who wanted me to blast you, I was personally in favor of burning your store down" Pein eyes him in the rear view mirror.

"No not my store! All my snakes are there!" Orochimaru cries.

"Its ok Orochimaru sir, I'm sure your snakes are fine" Kabuto says patting his sensei's back.

"Hey if you 2 gay wads are done cuddling we're here." Pein said parking the car.

"So what exactly is the plan here?" Orochimaru asked as they pushed their way through the shouting crowd. "I mean it's not like Itachi is gonna just stand still and let us blast him."

"He has a point" Konan says then yelps as someone touches her butt hooting like an idiot.

"Can we hurry this up, people keep touching me" Konan cringes.

"Give them a paper cut" Orochimaru suggests as a buff jock who obviously weighed 200lbs slams into him. "Get off me you oaf!" Orochi roared picking the man up and tossing him into the crowd.

"Orochi calm down, we need to keep a low profile" Pein says grabbing him and pulling him along.

"Ok where's Itachi?" Pein asking scanning the stage.

"He's not up there yet, it's still the openning band" Kabuto said glancing up at the stage then freezing in fear. "Um lord Orochimaru" He taps his master shoulder.

"What now?"

"Look!"

"Huh?" Orochimaru looks at the band playing and his jaw drops apon seeing Gaara of the desert at the mic in the gothest outfit possible. "... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Orochimaru falls on the ground rolling and clutching his sides from laughing so hard. "No Fucking way *laughs* Gaara's a fucking singer *laughs more*. Gimme, Gimme the machine, I gotta blast him" Orochimaru says grasping at the machine.  
"Not in this or any other life time will I ever let you do anything like that." Pein said coldly.  
"Awww come on I wanna see his face it'll be hilarious." Orochimaru grabbs at the machine only to trip over Peins leg and fall to the ground. "Come on it'll be funny."  
"I don't care if it would make Oprah wet herself I am not letting you blast him. The last thing I need is a Jynchuriki running around." Pein growled.  
"Stick in the mud."  
"How old are you?"  
"I'll have you know I'm... Holy f*** I'm thirty! WAHOOOOO!" Orochimaru shouts starting to dance while Kabuto calculates how much younger he is.  
"Idiots." Pein shakes his head and heads for the stage as Gaara finishes and exits the stage.  
"Come on Itachi hurrey up so I can blast you."  
"Ladies and gentlemen. Due to a slight wardrobe malfunction back stage our star performer has been left with nothing to wear. Please wait a few minutes while his assitant goes to his hotel to get him some new clothes." Said an announcer from some unknown location as thousands of girls screamed deafening Pein.  
"I don't believe this, wardrobe malfunction my a**." Pein growled pushing his way through the crowd with Konan, Orochi and Kabuto close behind. They made their way back stage but became blocked by a crowd of pushing shoving girls all after a look at Itachi. "This could be more difficult than expected." Pein said. "If we go through there there's a chances the machine might be activated and who knows who it might awaken."  
"Why not just Almighty Push your way through?" Orochi suggested.  
"Because I'm suppose to be a businessman not a ninja remember, we aren't in our time our "techniques" aren't exactly normal. Otherwise I'd just have you summon a giant snake to eat all of them." Pein said.  
"Hmmm I hadn't considered that." Orochimaru said.  
"Wait look at the bodyguards!" Kabuto pointed to the 2 gargantuan men blocking the crowd. It was Fujin and Raijin, 2 of Orochimaru's men.  
"Oh this is too perfect!" Orochi grinned and snatched the device and aimed for the 2 brutes heads over the crowd. "Time to get some back up."  
"ZAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP!" the purple laser struck the 2 giants, who somehow remained standing.  
"Ow that hurt." said Fujin rubbing his head.  
"What happened?" Raijin asked.  
"Hey!" Orochi shouted over the crowd. "Clear us a path you giant oaffs!"  
"Yes lord Orochimaru." the giant men said in unison as they reached in and widened a row through the crowd.  
"Not bad Orochi." Konan said as they walked through much to the displease of the crowd of girls. The group calmly walked to the farthest back area where stood a door with a star on it.  
"Ok Itachi open up." Pein said knocking on the door.  
"Who the Hell is Itachi?" Came Itachi's voice.  
"You are you bird obsessed teen idol, now open this door or I'll break it down." Pein growled.  
The door opened a crack and Itachi's dark blue eyes looked out.  
"Who are you and what do you want?" He asked.  
"I'm Pein and I want to blast you with this device so you'll remember your past life and come back and work for me."  
"WTF?" Itachi slammed the door shut and there was a latching noise.  
"Come on Itachi don't do this, I really don't want to have to blow this door down." Pein said.  
"Who are you the big bad wolf, F*** you."  
"Well I see your attitude certainly hasn't changed over the last 500 or so years." Pein points his palm at the door. "Almighty Push!" the door explodes off its hinges and hits the far wall.  
"Holy shit!" Itachi backs away. "What the Hell was that?" he shouted.  
"That was a demonstration of the kind of power you would have if you joined me." Pein said stepping forward with the machine. "Now hold still while I blast you."  
"Get away you freak!" Itachi yelled making for another door. Konan cut him off.  
"Hold it right there Itachi."  
"Who are you?"  
"Just a friend trying to help a friend remember he's our friend." She said not quite following her own words.  
"You're all insane!"  
"No only most of us." Orochi laughed rising from the ground behind Itachi.  
"What the Hell? Stay away!" He shouted. Something flashed in his eyes and Pein realized in horror that if he didn't blast him soon they were in trouble.  
"Shut up and remember." Pein said aimed and fired.  
"ZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPP! CRASH!" the blast exploded sending the others skidding backward.  
"What happened?" Konan asked.  
"That!" Orochi pointed to the glowing red mass forming around Itachi. "Its Susano'o! The stress has caused him to awaken his Sharingan!" Orochi shouted disappearing into the ground as a massive red fist sought to smash him.  
"This was not according to plan!" Pein shouted as he created a barrier to stop the sword crashing down on him. Susano'o's shield blocked the machines blast somehow."  
Konan disappeared in a flurry of paper butterflies and reappeared in front of the stage as the others appeared as well. Kabuto, Fujin and Raijin ran up to Orochi to provide back up but he stopped them.  
"He's mine." He smiled and stepped forward making hand signs. "Eight branches technique!"  
Kabuto, Fujin and Raijin shriek and back up as their master transformed into a massive 8 headed snake. It roared and slithered toward the still manifesting Susano'o.  
"Well so much for keeping a low profile." Pein says making hand signs. "Summoning jutsu! BLAM!" the ground exploded as a rhino and 2 centipedes rise up and charge the Susano'o along with Orochi.  
The Susano'o swings it's sword slicing one if the centipedes in half only to have the other wrap around preventing it from using its shield to block the oncoming rhino. "WHOMP!" the rhino slams into the susano'o. The massive chakra beast roars and raises its sword only to have a massive snake head latch on followed by 7 more all seeking a hold on the things armor.  
The susano'o continues to roar and attempt to swing but the attacks of the other monsters are to much and hold it in place as Pein steps forward.  
"This is gonna hurt you a lot more than me." He smiles and raises his hands.  
"Almighty PUSH! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! susano'o and the creatures around it are flattened by the force of increasing gravity.  
"Um I think you got Orochimaru too." Kabuto pointed out.  
"You say that like I give a damn." Pein says releasing the jutsu and walking over to the rubble with his machine. "Hey Itachi how you doin?" he asked the unconcious body laying infront of him. "Still asleep, no worries this'll fix that." he raised the machine and fired. Itachi bolted upright from the shock.  
"Who what where when why?"  
"Shut up you arrogant Uchiha, come on we have work to do." Pein said and turned to go back to the car.  
"What? Pein? Hey what's going on? Hey! Wait up!"  
"Ow, stupid Pein!" Orochi said bak to his normal self and rising from the dirt.  
"Orochimaru?"  
"Oh Itachi your back to normal, good I was starting to dislike you. Oh by the way, your body gaurds quit." Orochi laughed as Fujin and Raijin walked up behind him.  
"Uh uh uh." Itachi just looked awe struck. "WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author note: Yo Yahiko here again. Looks like things are heating up fast, lets see how my old buddy Pein handles the future.**

**Disclaimer: if I owned anything it would be on TV**

Neo Akatsuki 2

Kisame's Crazy Circus

Pein's pencil lightly moves across the paper. He has been putting preparations together for the return of the Akatsuki's return. He had ordered the coats and rings had everything their company owned painted black with red clouds including a yacht. He had given all the people they'd found jobs at the company. Fujin and Raijin were heads of security... And the lunch room. Orochimaru and Kabuto had been put to work in biological research. And Itachi became the new face of the company.

The company itself was a small research and development agency coupled with a urban development agency. They made new and better medicines and technologies to help the common person. They had scoured the rest of the staff (except for the company owner who was away on business) but found no one of use so they instead made them mind controlled slaves. Now they needed to scour the rest of the city.

The plan was simple. Spread out and search the city for more Akatsuki. Konan would use paper clones to watch all entrances to the city. Orochi would send out his snakes to the waterfront to watch boats. Itachi would use his sharingan to watch planes from afar. And Pein would watch the city with his rinni-slave animals and his main body would watch the airwaves, basically he sat and watched TV all day... Which was perfectly fine with him.

"I love being evil." Pein laughed as he sat in the lazy chair he'd bought and turned on the news-

- and nearly fell out of his chair at the sight of Kisame on top of a diving board. Pein hit the volume.

"And our final performance will be the Amazing Shark Man!" Bellowed the fat man in the center of the ring. "Watch and be amazed as Jaws Rush, our star performer, dives into this tank of bull sharks. The most ferocious species in the ocean the bull shark is a slightly smaller slightly dumber version of the great white, and is responsible for more shark attacks than any other species. Will Rush the shark man live or be eaten alive by the vicious beasts he so resembles?" The ring leader bellowed at the top of his lungs.

Kisame stepped forward on the diving board, he was at least 20ft up and was about to dive into a 20ft deep tank full of 8 approximately 18ft sharks. And draped over Kisame's shoulders were 4 slabs of bloody beef.

"Oh this will be good." Pein said picking up his cell phone (which was also black with red clouds) and dialed.

Kisame backed up a ways then ran forward and leapt off the board. For a second he seemed to hold there in the air grinning ear to ear then plummeted like a rock.

"KOWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAA!- _SPLASH_!"

He hit the water and the underwater cameras centered on him oozing blood from the meat slabs. The sharks immediately began circling him. He simply smiled and took off like a dolphin toward the surface the sharks all giving chase. Kisame shot from the water straight into the air with one of the sharks right behind him.

Kisame took one of the meat slabs and bitch slapped the shark sending it reeling! 2 more sharks leapt at him from the sides. He took the meat slabs off revealing they were tied together like giant meat nunchuks and spun them.

"BONZAI!" _THWAK!_ He smashed them as well. The other sharks attacked like a swarm of piranhas all leaping up at once. Kisame just smiled and spun his massive meat-chuks. _KA-THWAK WAK WAKWAKWAKWAKWAKWAK_!

The sharks went flying in every direction and Kisame landed unharmed in the pool smiling and waving at the crowd.

"And that's why they call him the shark man folks!" The ring leader said.

"Pein... Helloooo... PEIN!" Itachi shouted through the phone.

"Sorry I was distracted, but your never gonna believe who I found."

"Please tell me it's not Kisame."

"...um."

"God damn it. Where is he?"

"He's in the circus."

"No really."

Itachi looked at the massive circus sign. In the middle was the classic fat ring leader smiling and looking all happy and fun loving. To his left was a duo of clown girls, one red one blue. To his right was a man riding an elephant. At his feet were 2 more dancers. In the upper left there was a fire spitter, upper right held a tight rope walker an up on top in the star light was Kisame holding 2 sharks by their throats.

Itachi snorted with laughter. "Yeah right. Kisame wishes he was that bad ass." he would've grinned had he been anyone else but being Itachi he simply walked toward the ticket booth the memory machine in his hand.

"Never was a big fan of the circus." Itachi said to himself as he walked around looking for his finned friend passing the menagerie of circus freaks some of which looked oddly familiar, specifically a girl with horns on her head and a man with 6 arms. He continued past them and into the largest tent. Inside where a show was already going on. Kisame leapt into the air and swatted the sharks away with the massive meat slabs screaming in excitement.

"Dear lord he's an even more hyperactive idiot than before." Itachi groaned and walked down the almost 100 steps to the ring as the show ended. As the last people exited the tent Itachi approached Kisame. "Hey shark man, come here, I'd like a word with you." Itachi shouted as he approached.

"Any complaints can be given to my boss outside." Kisame says as he turns then gapes. "OH MY GOD! Your Chris Ravenwood!" Kisame shouts running up and clasping him in a man hug. Oh my gods sorry about that I'm such a huge fan and now you're right here, can I have an autograph?"

"Really... You of all people are one of my fans... Oh the irony." Itachi shakes his head while writing on a small piece of paper.

"Why is that ironic?" Kisame asked looking at the message. "To my number one fan Kisame the shark man."

"Cause approximately 500 years ago we were best friends and hated each other." Itachi said.

"Who's Kisame?" he asked.

"You, you fish faced freak that was your name, it means killer shark." Itachi replied holding up the memory machine.

"Whoa what is that?" Kisame backed up quickly.

"This machine will allow you to remember your past life. Then you can quit this stupid job and return to the Akatsuki with me." Itachi said.

"Quit! I can't quit! They need me here; I'm the star, with out me everything will fall apart."

"Why do you care, in your past life you killed your own master for a lousy sword that abandoned you for an octo freak." Itachi aimed the device at him.

"If I was that big of an ass I don't want to remember!" Kisame shouted surprising Itachi. "I'm happy here, these people are my family, I can't leave them!"

"What a shame, you won't care once I blast you with this." Itachi fired and Kisame dove to the side rolled and went running... Across the water. When he realized what he was doing he stopped.

"Holy shit I'm Jesus!"

"You're no such thing, you're an S-class ninja, walking on water is child's play for you." Itachi fires again and misses again. "I really need my eyes checked."

"I can walk on water! What else can I do?" Kisame grinned and put his fingers to his temples trying to remember and something comes over him. "I remember... Water dragon jutsu!" he makes the hand signs perfectly and a water dragon rose up behind him. "Oh this is so cool! Attack!" he ordered the water dragon forward and it obeyed rushing at Itachi with intent to kill.

"Pathetic whelp! Water style, water dragon jutsu!" A second water dragon rose in front of Itachi and attacked the first. "We were a ferocious team Kisame, because we both can use water style to double drown our foes." Itachi said as the 2 dragons destroyed each other creating a light rain.

"Cooooooool." Kisame grinned.

"You are such an idiot." Itachi grunted. "Fire style, fire ball jutsu!" Itachi put is fingers to his mouth and blew a massive fire ball. Kisame cut his chakra and slid into the water nimbly avoiding the jutsu.

"Stubborn fish!" Itachi growled.

Kisame shot out of the water like a missile and brought with him a 22ft bull shark he was holding by it's tail!

"Hey Chris! Catch!" Kisame gunned the shark at him like a javelin.

"Stop calling me Chris!" Itachi said leaping up and kicking the shark in the side sending it reeling back into the water. "Now hold still!" Itachi fired the machine again but one of the sharks leapt out of the water trying to bite Kisame and was struck instead. "Uh oh." Itachi said as the shark began to grow larger.

The shark multiplied in size then turned to Kisame. "What are your orders master?"

"Coooool." Kisame smiled evilly and pointed at Itachi. "Sick'em!" The shark turned and rushed at Itachi roaring like the monster it was.

"Ergh bring it! Mangekyo sharingan!" his eyes spin then stop in the shape of a shuriken.

"Susano'o!" he cried as the swirling red charka monster formed. He swung his sword and sliced the shark in half. It exploded and vanished. "Ha!- AAAAHHHH!" Itachi collapsed to the ground his susano'o disappeared. Itachi looked around; he felt blood leaking from his eye. "Ugh I'm out of practice." he groaned as his vision blurred and refocused.

"What's the matter Chris, can't take the heat?" Kisame laughed.

"I told you not to call me that! My name is Itachi Uchiha!" He growled. "Fire style phoenix flower jutsu!"

_Whoosh whoosh whoosh_! 3 fire balls jetted toward Kisame. "Water style water dragon bombs!" _SHWAAAAA_! The water spout met them and exploded into a mass if fog.

"Hey Chris- I mean Itachi, I just remembered something."

"Now what?" Itachi tried to look through the haze but it was 2 thick with chakra for even his sharingan.

"Don't I have like some freaky sword thing that eats energy?" Kisame asked.

"That reminds me where is Samehada?" Itachi demanded as the fog dispersed enough for him to see.

"Oh yeah! Samehada... I dunno, I don't have it." Kisame shrugged then smiled. "Hey Itachi I just remembered something."

"Quit remembering stuff!" Itachi growled.

"Water style giant vortex jutsu!" Kisame shouted. The water before him swelled into a perpendicular whirlpool and blasted forth toward Itachi.

"Oh crud. Amaterasu!" _BWOOOOSH_! The tent was filled with fog from the cold water colliding with the Amaterasu. "Great just great." Itachi tried to see through the mist but there was too much chakra in it and it obscured his vision further. "This is why I shouldn't have asked permission before blasting yo- _Thwak_!" a piece of fish nails Itachi in the back of the head. "What the Hell! How did you do that?"

"I don't know, it's like I'm in clear air, I can hear exactly where you are." Kisame says and tosses another half of a fish at Itachi nailing him in the back of the knee.

"Ow! Charlie horse!" Itachi turns in the direction of the fish. "Fire ball jutsu!" _Whoosh!_ The ball of fire shot through exploding on the other side. "Suck that fish fa- _Thok_!" another fish nails him in the back of the head. "What the fuck!" Itachi whirls around and shoots another fire ball.

"Missed me." Kisame's voice echoes. "Oh and just FYI, you should probably not move a lot cause we are standing on top of a shark tank, and I've been throwing chum at you."

0/.\0 "Say what?" Itachi leapt into the air narrowly missing the jaws of one of the sharks. He flipped backward landing outside the fog on the ground. "Clever sushi brains but you're coming with me. Mangekyo-

Kisame leaps out of the mist and grabs Itachi's hair pulling him face first down toward the water.

-Shar...ing...an..."

**5 minutes later**

"AAAAHHHH! NO NOT THAT!" Itachi opens his eyes waking from an indescribable nightmare. ". . . Son of a bitch! He stuck me in my own genjutsu!" Itachi"s eye twitched as he roared rushing outside.

"Kisame!" He growled and looked around. Seeing no sign of his target he leapt up to the top of the tent. "Mangekyo sharingan." He scanned outward and spotted Kisame running for a trailer on the far side of the circus grounds. "Hmm he's gotten faster. No matter." Itachi raised the memory machine. "I never lose." _ZZZAAAAPPP!_

Kisame ran as fast as he could, headed for his bosses trailer. He had to worn him. He rounded a tent and the ground behind him was hit by a purple laser. "Holy shit! That was too close." Kisame took off more stealthily and made his way to the other end of the park. "Almost there." Another laser struck to his left. "Ah crud!" He turned another corner.

"Hey Jaws what's the rush." A young woman asked cutting him off. She was average height with dark skin and red hair. Several curved horns blossomed from her head.

"Bess hit the deck!" Kisame tackles her as another laser hits the ground behind him. "Shit he's getting closer." Kisame looked at Itachi leaping from tent to tent.

"Who is that, what was that laser?" Bess asked.

"Some guy, he's trying to take me away." Kisame takes off running with Bess following. "No stay away! I don't want you to get hit." Kisame shouted.

"Why what will hap-

_ZAAAAAAPPPP!_ Bess is cut off as she's struck by the beam.

"Time for some back up." Itachi chuckled and made his way to the woman. He land next to her as she rose. Her horns had disappeared and her skin had paled to white.

"I'm... I'm normal!" she shrieked then collapsed in pain clutching her head as her past life tried to take over. "Jaws run!" She yells then her expression changes to one of angry confusion. "Where am I, what is this dump, where is lord Orochimaru?" She demands.

"I knew it was you Tayuya." Itachi said. "I'd recognized your curse form anywhere. I'll take you to Orochimaru if you help me catch him." Itachi points at Kisame.

"Ah shit!" Kisame takes off running with renewed vigor.

"Where are you goin?" Tayuya says producing a flute out of thin air. "Song of doom." She blows a series of notes and a nearby tent explodes as 3 gargantuan ogres burst out chasing after Kisame.

"Just make sure you don't kill him. I still need him." Itachi fires the ray again missing by a mile.

"Wow Orochimaru was right, you're blind as a mole, ever consider corrective laser surgery?"

". . . 0/_\0 that's actually not a bad idea."

"I am so fucking fucked!" Kisame runs through the crowd like a mad man dodging attacks from the 3 monsters on his tail. "I don't have any memories of these things. And to make things worse Bess or Tayuya or whatever has joined Chris's side, not good. I gotta hide." He looks around but sees nothing. He rounds another tent and ducks inside while the ogres run right past. Kisame quickly runs in the opposite direction. "Haha suckers- pow!" Kisame runs smack into Tayuya.

"Hey Jaws, what's shakin?" she smiled evilly.

"Today is really not my lucky day." Kisame rolls sideways and takes off running with Tayuya hot on his tail. "I have to get help, but where, he can turn anyone into more back up." Kisame thinks as he Sprints toward the trailer at the end of the grounds. "What if I get to the boss and then he gets blasted and turns out to be even worse than Chris and Bess, after all I've always had this weird Deja vu feeling around him and his daughter." Kisame turns down another side path. There is a spinning ride he jumps and grabs a hold of a car as it swings by and whirls around and flies back toward the ring masters trailer. "Almost there!"

_ZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!_ Another laser shoots past and nails a fat guy sleeping on a drum.

"Oh shit." Kisame backs up as the fat man gets up.

"Where am I? What Zapped me?" He shouted. "And somebody get me some chips!"

"Hey lardo long time no see." Tayuya laughs at the portliest member of the sound 5."

"Tayuya? Is that you where are we?"

"I'll explain later but Itachi Uchiha will take us to lord Orochimaru if we capture Jaws here." she points to Kisame.

"Jaws? Oh hey buddy, sorry about this but RRRAAWWWWRRR!" He lunges at him.

Kisame ducks down and flips him over himself then takes off running.

"This is really not my day!" He shouts sprinting like crazy down the path. He dodges another laser then ducks inside a tent... Then runs back out followed by Tayuya's ogres. "Didn't see that coming!" He turns another corner and sees the Ferris wheel. "... I am a genius." He leaps up and grabs an empty car as it's going up. Tayuya and her portly companions reach the ferris wheel. Kisame looks down at them and sticks out his tongue. "Adios suckers!" he flips them off then looks up at Itachi in the car looking at Kisame's fingers. "Uh oh."

Itachi _pluck_s one of Kisame's fingers. "You wouldn't dare." Kisame gapes.

"This little sharky went to the market." _pluck._ "This little sharky stayed home." pluck. "This little sharky had roast beef." _Pluck_. "And this little sharky had none." Itachi smiled evilly.

"Awe come on man that's just cruel." Kisame blubbered.

"And this little sharky cried wee wee wee all the way home." _pluck_. Kisame falls.

"I got him I got him. -THUD! ... Ow."

"Idiot." Tayuya sighs.

Kisame rolls off the gargantuan and looks around. "Come on Jaws think." He saw a barrel of water. "Bingo." water style water dragon jutsu!" the barrel erupts and the water dragon chases the sound ninja away. "Haha suckers." Kisame takes a few steps back then turns. He's face to face with Itachi.

"Boo"

"Fuck!" He takes off running.

"I luv my job." Itachi leaps up on top of a tent and looks around. _Hmm if I use my sharingan I can locate people with large amounts of chakra._ He thinks to himself as he scans the area locating 3 more nearby. "Perfect." He blasts all of them. The first is a 6 armed man the second is a pair of Siamese twins. But the third is the most impressive, with several bones sticking out of his body. "Okay you 3, I know you all use to work for Orochimaru. I will take you to him is you capture the man known as Jaws Rush." He shouts.

The third man pulls a bone out of his back that turns into a long whip. "No problem." Kimmimaru says emotionlessly.

"When the boss said a bad day seldom gets better but can almost always get worse, I just thought he was being a hard ass but from now on, I'll take his advice!" Kisame runs down the path headed for the trailer. "Al...Most...there!" Kisame shouts then skids to a halt. "Oh shit." A massive spider web covers his path. "Not good." he turns around. "Boom!" the ground erupts with bone spikes blocking the other route. "I've heard of being boned but that's just ridiculous." Kisame looked at the tent in front of him. On top was Itachi holding the memory machine. And below him, the entire sound 5.

"Give up Kisame. Your out numbered and out classes without samehada." Itachi said.

"Tell me "Itachi" back in the old days did I ever give up?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes.

"Didn't think so, water style water dragon jutsu!" Kisame shouted and a nearby dunk tank exploded and the water dragon washed away the spider webbing while Kisame road on top of it like a surfer. "WAHOOOO!" He shouted as the dragon dropped him in front of his boss's trailer. "BOSS BOSS!" Kisame banged on the door until it opened and a tall lean man with short spiky cut hair and a look that said I hate my life stepped out.

"What do you want this time jaws?" the man said in a gruff voice that made one think of an executioner. He had bandages wrapped around the lower half of his face and wore nothing but snow leopard skin.

"Who's at the door daddy?" a girl of about 13 said looking out from behind him.

"Boss call the cops, some weirdo with a laser gun is after me, he has some mind control thingy or something and he's already got a bunch of our workers under his control, he wants to take me away!" Jaws shouted.

The boss gave him a _what are you smoking look _and glanced around. "Why is my circus ground flooded?" he said looking at the pool of water left by the water dragon.

"...um."

"I'm going to kill you, you do realize that."

"Yeah I know, now about those cops."

"No! No cops, cops are for commoners and ass holes."

"Why do you hate cops so much."

"I don't know I think in a past like I was Al Pachino or something." the boss waved him off and turned to go back inside.

"Found you!" Itachi said landing on top of the trailer."

"Hey who the Hell are you? Get off my trailer!"

Itachi gave him one look then raised the memory machine. "Oh this is gonna be too perfect." he laughed.

"What the fuck is tha- _ZAAAAAPPP!_

He hit the dirt and his daughter shrieked and ran to his side.

"What do you know a matching set." Itachi said and blasted the daughter as well.

"Quit blasting people!" Kisame shouted.

"How bout I just blast you instead, cause you're gonna want your memories back when he wakes up." Itachi says pointing at Kisame's boss who is groaning and slowly rising.

"Cause he doesn't like you."

"Uh oh." Kisame takes off running.

His boss gets up and looks around. "what the Hell?... Where am I." He spots Kisame running. "Kisame?" he runs into his trailer as his daughter rises.

"Ow my head, and why does my chest feel strange?" Haku looks down his/her shirt. ". . ." She passes out and the boss man comes back out holding a massive sword as tall as he is. "Get back here you ass hole! Your old buddy Zabuza Mamoji wants to have a little chat!" He roars.

"Ah shit!" Kisame keeps running dodging attacks from the dozens of ninja following him. "What the fuck is going on?" He turns a corner onto a dead end. "No!" He turns around to face them. "Ok you freaks. You want me, come get me!" Kisame charges them punching, kicking and biting sending the sound 5 reeling. He fights like a shark but Zabuza appear behind him and nails him on a pressure point and he falls. Itachi stands over him.

"Night old friend, you'll feel better in a sec." he says and blasts him.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Kisame sits up sweating as Itachi walks in. "Oh hey Itachi, you're not gonna believe this hilarious dream I had. I worked at a circus for Zabuza and the sound 5 worked there too, and I was running from you and I kept calling you Chris, it was funny, and I nailed you like 6 times with dead fish parts and it was so funny." Kisame laughed

"It wasn't a dream."

"Come again."

"It wasn't a dream, you did work at a circus, we did find Zabuza and the sound 5 and you did hit me with fish parts and I am going to hurt you for that." Itachi said.

Kisame gaped. "... It was all real."

"100%."

"Who else knows about us?"

"Pein, Konan, Orochimaru, and Kabuto are back at head quarters waiting for us." Itachi said standing.

"Pein's here too? What about Madara?" Kisame asked.

"No sign of him... Yet." Itachi said.

"Ha, good riddens." Kisame stood and gathered his thins and walked outside as the others gathered also with there belongings.

"Ok men, and Haku." Itachi gave one look to the former boy who was not enjoying being revived as a girl then returned his gaze to the exit. "Move out." The group disappeared racing through the city at lightening speed leaving the circus ablaze not noticing that one of Itachi's stray lasers had awoken another force, not ninja, but something possibly more deadly.

"Who do you think they were Yin?" Asked one of the former clown girls.

"I don't know Yang but they were very powerful, perhaps they can tell us where we are and why we were here." said the other. They took of into the sky. Shortly after police showed up.

"What the Hell happened here?" asked the first cop.

"I don't know but it doesn't look like anyone was hurt, let's just hope the fire department gets here soon and call it an accident." The second rubbed his head and looked at the remains of a small paper tag.

**Author: well well well, looks like our first new comers are about to show up, I wonder how Pein will handle this, seeya next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author note: Yo Yahiko here, welcome back, we're on to chapter 3 and ain't slowin down**

**Konan: woo hoo**

**Yahiko: Konan? What the- get out of my booth!**

**Konan: but I wanna help *sad face***

**Yahiko: you're in the story damn it, get out of here! *kicks her out* women, am I right, anyway Neo Akatsuki HO!**

**Disclaimer: if I owned anything it would already be on TV**

Neo Akatsuki 3

An artistic view of Iraq

"How fucking hard is it to find a sword with a pair of fuck jaws?" Kisame grumbled clicking the mouse several times in irritation. "Where are you samehada?" He growled looking at the screen.

"Any luck?" Pein asked walking in holding a cup of coffee and a dohnut.

"No, no sign of samehada, and the sword Zabuza had wasn't the real executioners blade either, so we're missing that too, and then there's Orochimaru's sword too, oiy this is impossible." Kisame grumbles. "Say where'd you get that dohnut?"

"Shut up, and you'll find it, in the meantime has Itachi found anybody else yet?"

"I don't know ask him, he's up on the roof." Kisame points upward, then walks off to go find a dohnut of his own."

"Itachi any luck?" Pein asked walking onto the roof.

"Nope, even with my mangekyo sharingan I can only pick out people with high amounts chakra, I can't distinguish who they are, and if I blast the wrong person it could end badly." Itachi puts the binoculars down.

"Hmmm good point, we need to find a more effective way to find our comrades." Pein thinks for a minute but can't discern an easier way. "Maybe Orochimaru has a device or something." Pein sighs as Konan kicks open the door to the roof.

"Both of you come quick, I think we found someone!" She shouts.

"I'm standing here in front of the town of Crovnogash in Iraq where last night a renegade bomber destroyed the entire city leaving thousands dead and thousands more homeless." Says the announcer woman. The Akatsuki watch intently.

"You don't think it's." Kisame stares at the screen as it switches to an aerial view of the devastation. The patterns of the bombing. It wasn't random it was a message.

"Yeah." Pein said staring at the screen where the series of Japanese symbols had been blown into the city. "It's him alright, it's Deidara." Pein stares emotionlessly at the words written in molten pavement.

"Art is a Bang."

"YAHOOOOOO, YEAH!" 18 year old Randy Markson flies through the air in his stolen stealth bomber. "I can't believe it was that easy to reload and refuel,un." He laughed as he did a barrel roll over a mountain peak. "If you attempt to shoot me down, I will kamikaze into your base and destroy everyone and everything, yeah." He had lied as he'd flown over the American base. He then landed and refueled and reloaded his bomber and took off. Then just as a show of force he had turned around and bombed the run way destroying 16 fighter jets beyond repair. "Serves them right for denying me the right to make art, un." He cackled he curved his bomber and flew towards his next target. A heavily populated town near the Iraq Iran border. His last few targets he had written his catch phrase in feudal Japanese, a language he had become fluent in after a single online class. This time he would write his message in English so the whole world would know his message.

"Attention pilot, you don't know me but I know you better than you imagine possible." Said a voice through his radio.

"What the Hell, un?" Randy hit the button. "Who is this, is that you captain Warhouser, un?"

"I am no captain but I am your boss. My name is Nagato, but you once knew me as Pein."

"Pein? WTF kind of stupid name is that, yeah?" he asked angrily. Who was this man claiming to know him?

"Approximately 500 years ago you worked for me in an organization called the Akatsuki. Myself and your former team mates have captured a military base south of your current location. If you hear me out and land I will guarantee you will not regret it." Pein said standing in a room full of massacred bodies. Orochimaru pulled his hand out of the chest of a dead soldier and licked it.

"Tell him we have a bomb for him or something." he laughs his words heard by the radio.

"I don't know who you freaks are but I ain't landing until I need to refuel or reload, un!" He growled. "And who are you, you don't know me, you know nothing about me!"-

- Art is an explosion." Pein cut him off.

Randy stammered. "Wha...what did you say?" His heart raced. He had never told anyone that phrase, at least no one that was still alive.

"It's the phrase you've been writing in feudal Japanese all across the middle east in explosion craters." Pein said.

"But that's impossible... Only a few people in the world can read it!" He shouted.

"That's not true; I've got a handful of people right next to me who can read it better than English." Pein said. "Now come here and we'll explain everything."

There was a long pause. "Ok I'll be there in T- 2 minutes, yeah." Randy said quietly.

The stealth bomber hit the run way and slowly halted. Randy got out with 3 grenade belts wrapped around his chest. He walked to the control tower. The door was unlocked. He walked up a spiral staircase and entered the slaughter house. The room was covered in blood and bodies. To one side, Konan and Orochimaru stood against the wall. On the other side Kisame and Itachi stood by as well. In the back of the room the sound 5 waited for orders. And in the middle of the room by the radio controls with the body of a general at its feet was a chair. It swiveled around slowly and Pein sat watching Randy.

"Hello Deidara." He said.

"Deidara, un? Who the Hell is that, my names Randy, who the Hell are you, and how did you know where I was and what my bombs spelled, un?" He demanded.

"It's definitely him." Kisame chuckled after hearing the "un".

"Because I was your boss approximately 500 years ago." Pein said. "You can call me Pein.

"Ok "Pain" how do you know all this, un?" he crossed his arms making the others flinch as he calmly tapped a few of the grenades.

"Cause of this baby." Pein said hoisting the memory machine onto his lap. "One blast from this and you will remember everything." Pein says.

"Are you nuts, yeah! I'm not letting you blast me with anything!" Randy shouted. "And if you think I'm gonna let you your dead wrong, yeah!" He grabbed a grenade off the bottom belt and pulled the pin and threw.

"Almighty push." the grenade shot backward and hit the wall behind Randy and exploded.

Randy froze in place. "H-H-How did you do that?" He said white as a ghost.

"With the same power you once used to turn simple clay sculptures into enemy seeking explosives. Or Tobi seeking." Pein said this drew a laugh from the original Akatsuki members.

"Who the Hell is Tobi, yeah? Is it that guy, un?" Randy gave Itachi and evil look. "I don't know why... But I hate that guy right there, un." He said causing Kisame to burst out laughing.

"He thinks your Tobi! HAHAHAHAHA its funny cause Tobi is your relative!" Kisame cackles then shuts up as Itachi elbows him derisively in the gut.

"No that is not Tobi. Now then are you willing to join us?" Pein asked.

Randy thinks for a moment then smiles. "I'll let you blast me with that machine of yours if you can best me in an contest." Randy says. Pein narrows his eyes. "If you can blow something up better than me, I'll let you blast me with that thing." He smiles.

"And what's stopping me from blasting you right now?" Pein asked.

"See this pull tab, yeah?" He points to a tab on top of the belt. "If I yank it, it pulls the pins on all these grenades. You blast me, I pull." he says.

"Hmmmm touché."

Randy's bomber flies toward the small village. "You guys are going down." he snickers through the radio. "When I drop this pay load, ain't nobody gonna not know my name, un. Get ready Aroshkamar, I'm gonna make you art, yeah!" the jet fighter flew over the village dropping bomb after bomb. "Art is an EXPLOSION!" Randy cackled like a mad man as he blew the village to crumbs. As he flew over the charred remains of the village he caught a glimpse of what looked like a massive toucan. "What the fuck, un?"

Peins bird flew over the smoldering remains of the village Pein on top looking at the destruction in pleasure. "Never make a deal with a god." he smiled and raised his hands. "Almighty Push." he said. The air in the village seemed to halt, the fires stopped flickering then the center of the village collapsed like it got punched by god.

The flames and carnage were twisted and distorted till it read as a new message in the 50ft craters. "Fear me for I am god." Randy read the writing his eyes wide. He felt his breath abandon him. Then Pein brought down his arms and the entire message was replaced with a massive crater larger than a meteor impact. Randy faltered in mid air then righted himself and returned to the nearby base.

He stood before Pein defeated. "You... You really are a god, yeah?"

"No... I'm just a man, with a dream to bring the world peace, even if it is a false one created through fear." Pein stood over Randy and aimed the memory machine. "Awaken, Deidara the king if bombs." _ZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!_

Deidara screamed as all his memories came flooding back. He fell backward his eyes wide. Orochimaru came to stand over him.

"I think he's de-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH"

- AAAAAAHHHH! Don't do that!" Orochimaru thwaked Deidara over the head bringing him back from his episode.

"Who what where when why, yeah? ... Oh hey guys what's up... Why do I have grenades strapped to my chest?"

"Dear god you're an idiot." Pein sighed then gave him a friendly slug on the shoulder. "Good to have you back Deidara."

Pein's phone went off in his pocket and he answered it. "Hello?"

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Kabuto shouted.

"What the fuck?" Pein hit a switch and switched it to face time. Kabuto ran across the screen. Fujin and Raigin both covered in scorch marks and burns were hiding around a corner. A fireball streaked across the screen. "What the Hell is happening? Who's attacking?" Pein shouted then there was a flash of blue and the other end was destroyed. Pein looked at the black screen. "Akatsuki... Move out! Deidara you're a pilot you fly the company jet.

"We have a company jet?"

Deidara ogles the controls to the Lear jet. "Pein have I ever mentioned I love you."

"No but I'll remind you from now on." Pein snapped as Deidara grabbed the intercom.

"Hello this is your pilot Deidara speaking, yeah. I'd just like to thank you all for flying air Akatsuki and remind you to HANG ON TO YOUR UNDERWEAR WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOO,UN!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Note: Yo Yahiko here, damn we're going fast, chapter 4 and its only been a week, now that's productivity, makes you wonder why it takes TV networks so long to get a damn sode out, but I digress, its time to start the show! Be ready, the first crossover begin now, lets see if you can figure out where our new friends are from ;3**

**Disclaimer: if I owned anything I would be retiring at 17**

Neo Akatsuki 4

While the Akatsuki are Away Yin and Yang will Play

The Akatsuki head quarters sits quiet. The main Akatsuki have taken the sound 5 and gone after Deidara. Zabuza has been left in charge. Kabuto was continuing research in the lab. Fugin and Raigin sit at there desk in the main lobby.

"Hey Raigin why are we here?" Fugin asked.

"Cause lord Orochimaru zapped us with the big gun thingy." He replied

"No I mean why are we here in the front of the building? Nobody comes in and even if they did we'd just send them away or kill them." Fugin said gesturing to the empty lobby.

"Hmm that's a good question Fugin... Maybe we should go ask Mr. Mamoji!"

"That's a great idea brother." The 2 rose from there seats as the front door opened and 2 girls stepped in.

"I'm sorry no visitors at this time." Raigin said. Young, likely barely in there teens. One girl was clad in white and red with red hair the other was a mirror image in blue.

"We demand to see the one in charge of this facility." the red one said slamming her fist on the front desk.

"I'm sorry; the boss isn't in right now." Fugin said leaning over the desk to get a better look at the morsels.

"Then takes us to whom ever invented that machine that awakened our memories!" The blue one demanded.

"Or what?" Raigin asked.

The blue one raised her fist and slammed the desk. It shattered I'm half.

"Or we break you in half." The blue one grinned. "I'm Yin, and this is my sister Yang." the blue one said then faltered at the look on Fugin and Raigin.

"You little bitch." Fugin growled.

"Our lunches were in that desk!" Raigin roared at the sight of the remains of there lunches oozing from the destroyed desk. Yin and Yang each took a step back. In a flash Fugin was behind them.

"Where are you going?" He growled. Raigin stepped in front of them.

"You destroyed our lunch, so we'll just have to eat you instead." Raigin roared.

Yin and yang stood back to back. They gave each other a simple nod then reached to the strange feather shaped bone on the back of there heads. They grasped the end and pulled out their weapons. Yang produced a sword made of fire. Yin held a whip sparking with lightening.

"Raigin they have scary weapons what do we have?"

"We don't have anything, we don't need anything." Raigin smiled and charged at Yin. "DIE!" he smashed the ground where Yin had been standing. She had jumped into the air narrowly avoiding his attack then kicked him in the face sending him rolling backward into the wall.

"Raigin!" Fugin shouted and charged Yang. She ducked and flipped him over her sending him rolling into his brother.

"These weaklings are not the ones we seek." Yang yawned.

"Let us check upstairs." Yin said as the 2 walked toward the elevator.

"Hey where are you going?" Raigin growled as he and his brother rose to their feet. "We're just getting started!" the 2 shouted as they charged the elevator.

"What fools." Yin sighed.

"Let's finish them." Yang said. The 2 took a single step forward and kicked both charging rhinos straight up through the ceiling. They flew several floors upward and even went careening straight through Zabuza and Haku's room. The 2 were sleeping back to back like they had in the old days when they couldn't afford a hotel. Fugin and Raigin hit through the floor next to the bed waking them both. Zabuza stood straight up causing Haku to fall backward on her back.

"What the Hell was that?" Zabuza said looking up through the Hole then down through the other hole. "Damn that's a big hole. I'll go up and see if the fatass brothers are ok. You go down and intercept the intruders." Zabuza said and leaped upward bouncing from wall to wall.

"Yes father. Hehe I love saying that." Haku giggled then grabbed the mask from the wall and swan dived into the hole.

As Haku fell she made hand signs. "Ninja art, forbidden secret jutsu, crystal ice mirrors." She said emotionlessly as 6 mirrors formed. She entered one as they fell.

Shooting upward on twin energy orbs. Yin and yang were intercepted as the mirrors descended and blocked them.

"What are these things?" Yin asked then something flashed past her face and she touched her cheek, her fingers coming back coated in blood. "What the Hel-

"My name is Haku Mamoji, who are you and why have you infiltrated Akatsuki headquarters?" Haku asked appearing in the mirrors.

"We are Yin and Yang." Yang said. "And you are weak!" she swung her fire sword striking one of the ice mirrors. "Gotcha." She grinned then her jaw dropped upon seeing no sign of damage on the mirror.

"Perhaps I should explain. My mirrors are virtually indestructible; they are harder than titanium and repair any damage instantaneously using water in the air." Haku smiled under her mask. "Try all you want." She produced several senbon. "But like my will, they will not shatter!" Haku and all the reflections threw a storm of senbon stabbing into Yin and Yang.

The sisters managed to block few of the needles but prevented any major injury.

"What trickery is this?" Yang spat and tried feutily to destroy one to the mirrors.

"You aren't as smart as you look." Haku said and threw another volley of senbon at the twins.

"Enough of this!" Yin shouted. With a snap of her whip lightening flashed temporarily blinding Haku allowing the twins to escape upward.

"Adios loser!" Yang shouted as the 2 shot upward.

Zabuza hit the top of the hole where Fugin and Raigin were lodged in the ceiling.

"Idiots." he sighed then heard a snoring sound and looked around. He was in the research department and over at his desk Kabuto was fast asleep and drooling on his keyboard. "I stand corrected, you are an idiot." he walked over and shook Kabuto. "Wake up we're under attack." he said.

"Huh wha?" Kabuto opened his eyes and adjusted his glasses. "What who's attacking us?"

"I don't know I sent Haku to investigate." Zabuza said.

_Crash!_ Yin and Yang exploded out of the hole followed by a snow storm.

"I take it those are the intruders." Zabuza said and grasped the fake executioners blade. "Not as good as the real one but it'll work for now!" Zabuza roared and rushed the twins. He slammed into Yin and the 2 tumbled back down the hole. Kabuto stood up and eyed Yang.

"I usually don't like to fight women, I've had a lot of bad experience doing so but I think I can make an exception if you tell me what you are." Kabuto smiled evilly. "Or you can just stay silent and I'll figure out what you are when I dissect you." Kabuto's hands glowed. "So which of your organs should I destroy first?"

"Fool." Yang grunted. "I'll rip those arms off your body." she raised her fire sword. And Kabuto took off running in the other direction.

"I was really hoping you wouldn't call my bluff." He laughed and ran upstairs pulling out his phone.

"Hello Lord Pein... Heeeeeellllllllppppp we're under attack!" he shouted. A fireball shot past him and he dropped the phone as it melted. Yang ripped Fugin and Raigin from the ceiling and flung them at Kabuto. He ducked and the two bounced off the wall and landed behind an overturned desk.

"Ok time to call some back up!" Kabuto made a few quick hand signs and slammed his hands on the ground as Yang swung her sword sending a fireball at him. "Forbidden resurrection!" He shouted and 6 coffins rose from the floor taking the impact. "Ha! Now your toast!" Kabuto shouted as the coffins fell open.

Yang took a battle stance then stopped. "Um your coffins are empty." She said.

"Eh?" Kabuto climbed on top of the coffins and looked inside, all 6 were empty, not even a lifeless body. "But how? DAH! Of course there's no one in there Kabuto." He face palmed. "Of course there would be no one in them, everyone has already been reborn and this jutsu only summons dead people ." he hopped down behind them. "At least I can make use of these!" he shouted kicking the coffins at Yang. She swung her sword and destroyed them but when the smoke cleared her opponents were gone.

"Come back here you bastards!"

Zabuza fell through the shaft and landed on a horizontal ice mirror. Yin impacted on a second one landing hard on her back knocking the wind out of her. She rose gagging slightly till she regained her composure.

"Your out of your league girly." Zabuza said.

"That is where your wrong worm." Yin said cracking her whip. "You are the one who is out of his league!" She cracked the whip at Zabuza shooting a spinning duo of electric orbs at him. He grabbed the edge of the mirror and twisted it blocking the attack then spun the mirror the rest of the way around catapulting himself into her feet first shooting her through the adjacent elevator shaft and into a massive room.

"Welcome to our custom made training facility." Zabuza said walking inside. "Pein had it built for us to train in since being revived most of us were a little rusty on our skills. The walls are made of carbon nanofibers. They are reinforced and virtually indestructible even attacks like Amaterasu and Almighty Push take a good hour to break through these walls. And of course, that means it's impossible for you to run away." Zabuza's hands moved like lightening. "Hidden mist jutsu!" Zabuza slammed his fist backward into a keypad and several large pools of water opened in the floor. Heavy fog rose off the water covering the whole room.

"What is this? What's happening?" Yin said then a shuriken shot through her left shoulder. She fell to one knee. "What the Hell?" she cringed and looked around. A flurry of shuriken shot from mist form every direction. Yin cracked her whip and deflected them.

"You will have to do better then that, mist man." Yin snarled and cracked her whip. Another twin bolts of lightening shot forth and shot into the fog. It made it about 4 ft before it hit an ice mirror and the electricity chained from one mirror to light up the entire cage around her. Yin gazed at the massive cage around her. "Wh...when did this get he- _TICK_! a senbon stuck in her other shoulder.

"My apologies but if you attack my father you attack me." Haku says from the fog. "Now hold still while I kill you." Yin shot upward as a thousand ice senbon destroyed the spot she'd been standing in. She headed for the top of the cage but Haku shot from one of the mirrors and kicked her back down to the ground.

Haku's voice echoed from every mirror. "You are a persistent one, I like that." She began to make hand signs. "I haven't used this jutsu since I was a small child. I'm not even positive it's a real jutsu, however it did manage to kill my entire family." Haku said darkly as Yins eyes widened in fear. "Ice style ninja art frozen palace of death."

Yins scream echoed through out the building.

"Sister!" Yang said searching for the source. She ran down the hallway back towards the hole. Kabuto watched making hand signs.

"Summoning jutsu." he placed his hand on the floor and it began to shake. The floor exploded as 3 massive white serpents surged forth like an avalanche with fangs.

Yang spun on a dime. She grasped the hand of her fire sword this time taking the whole feather like structure with it. It opened in half sparking with energy creating a sword that looked like it was made from a jet engine. In one swing she decapitated the 3 snakes whose bodies' incinerated upon being cut leaving just the heads.

"I didn't see that coming." Kabuto gulped.

"Prepare to die boy." Yang prepared to swing then a single snowball hit her in te back of the head.

"Hey flame face, missing something?" Zabuza said leaning against Yin who was frozen in a block of ice. Haku sat cross legged on top of the giant ice cube watching.

"Sister!" Yang growled at Zabuza and prepared to swing but Zabuza was a step ahead of her. He threw a single shuriken slicing the heads off all the sprinklers causing them to drench Yang and everyone else in the hall.

"Water style water clone jutsu." Zabuza said as the water on the floor rose to create 4 more Zabuzas. They rushed Yang swinging their massive blades. Yang tried to fight back but her blade was becoming weaker and weaker the longer it stayed in the sprinklers. Eventually she was overwhelmed and they pinned her to the wall her limbs stuck in the crescent section of the blades.

"Kabuto front and center!" Zabuza shouted. Kabuto shot from his hiding spot and kneeled before Zabuza.

"Yes sir?"

"Get the fatso brothers and help them take these 2 to the brigg."

"We have a brigg?"

"Of course we have a brigg! ... Haku do we have a brigg?"

Haku shrugged.

"You are so useless it's not even funny, being a girl has made you lazy."

"Being my dad has made you fat."

"... Your going to regret that."

"Bring it pops."

"eh hem can we get back to business?" Kabuto asked.

"Shut up and take them where ever we put our prisoners." Zabuza ordered. "... And I'm not fat!"

Yin and Yang sit back to back in the dull holding cell. They had been there for over an hour.

"What do you think they'll do to us?" Yin asked.

"Probably dissect us like that coward said he would." Yang said hugging her knees.

The cell door opened and Pein stepped into the room. Yin and Yang stood up ready to have to fight to the death but before they could take a fighting stance they were slammed against the back wall by an invisible force.

"So you are the pathetic whelps who tried to infiltrate my Headquarters." Pein said. "Tell me, what are you?"

**Author note: Oh damn they got their ass' kicked. Remember read and review!**

**Pein: or ill find you**

**Yahiko: 0.0 when did u get in here**

**Pein: just now**

**Yahiko: oh… u still mad about the whole, making u stab me thing?**

**Pein: very**

**Yahiko: oh… *runs* bye!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author note: WOOOOT Yahiko here, sorry it took so long, for us to get back.**

**Pein: like anyone really cares, we hav3 reviews, from the same person.**

**Yahiko: Nagato what did I tell you about being negative.**

**Pein:… fuck u**

**Yahiko: noooo I said stop being a negative nelly**

**Pein:… remind me again why I looked up to you.**

**Yahiko: on with the story!**

**Disclaimer: if I owned anything, they would be selling toys of it at McDonalds**

Neo Akatsuki episode 5

Yin and Yang lay naked on adjacent operating tables. They had been sapped of any and all energy by Pein so that Orochimaru could experiment in peace. He stood at a nearby sink washing his hands. "So girls, which of you wants to go first?" He asked cackling like the Joker.

A few hours later Orochimaru emerges and cleans up before joining the others (minus Kisame who was still searching for samehada) in the employee lounge. He took a seat in a leather chair across from Pein.

"From what I can piece together they are, or at least are now, completely human. They call themselves Arrancar or something like that. They don't appear to use chakra for their powers in the same way we do. It's the same energy but it's utilized differently, they call it spiritual pressure. Anyway they're unconscious for now, I had Kabuto take them back to there cell. I have several questions I'd like to ask them."

"As do I." Pein said.

"What are we gonna do with them when you 2 are done questioning them?" Konan asked. She was standing next to Pein and leaned down to rest her head next to him.

"Oddly they seem to want to talk with Itachi." Orochimaru said. "I assume he either reminds them of a former master or perhaps it's just because he's the one who awakened them." Orochimaru stated.

"Maybe I don't want to talk to firefly and lightening bug." Itachi said. "Why don't u-

"HALLELUJAH!"

-whoa!" Itachi fell backward in his chair. The group rushed to Kisame who was furiously typing on the keyboard. Itachi growled and crawled back up before joining them.

"I found them, I found them!" He crowed.

"You found Samehada!" Konan said as they surrounded him all trying to look at the screen.

"Not just samehada! I found all of them! Samehada, the executioners blade all the swords of the seven mist swordsmen, and it doesn't stop there, Orochi's flying sword, huh weird I don't see Hidan's scythe. He probably still has it, immortal bastard. But that's not the only thing." Kisame clicked a few things and brought up a picture of the seller. "Look who rounded all of them up for us." Kisame said proudly as a picture of Sasori loaded on the screen. Deidara grabbed the screen.

"Sasori old buddy old pal old friend never have I not hated you this much, come on, let's go get my partner, yeah!" Deidara shouted. "To the jetkatsuki, un!"

"Deidara if you ever call the company jet that again I'm docking your pay." Pein said.

"Wait where is he that we need to take the jet?" Itachi looked at Kisame.

He looked at the screen. "Says here he's based in... Hong Kong? What the fuck is Sasori doing in China?"

"And I thought Manhattan was crowded." Kisame said as the group walked through the city. "People keep brushing up against me, it's annoying."

"Tell me about it." Itachi said signing his eleventh autograph in the last 20 minutes. "I had no idea I had a large Chinese fan base."

Kisame looked at him with an 'are you serious' look. "Have I ever mentioned I fucking hate you.

"Jealous." Itachi said monotonly.

"Both of you shut up, now where is that shop." Deidara said looking at the map with Konan.

"According to this map, which makes our old maps look like GPS btw, it should be somewhere around here." Konan said. "Kisame didn't you send Sasori an email that we were coming for all the weapons?"

"Yeah he said he'd be standing outside his shop when we got here." Kisame said.

Pein made a few hand signs. "Good, I'll find him." Pein said as it started to rain. Pein closed his eyes using the rain to search the area until a single drop landed on Sasori's head. "Got him." Pein lead the way to the shop where indeed Sasori was standing outside waiting.

"Hi you must be the guys looking to buy the antique weapons." He said shaking hands with Pein. "My name is Sam Lee, please come in, take a look-

_Zoom!_ Zabuza and Kisame raced over and began examining the mist swordsmen's swords.

-around... Right, well eh hem... So about the price?" Simon said.

"Price? We aren't paying."

"What why?- _ZAAAAAPPPPP!_ Sasori dropped as Deidara shot him in the back with the memory Ray.

"That's why." Pein said and walked over to examine a large scroll.

"Ow my head." Sasori said standing up. "What the fuck was that for?" he looks around. "What the Hell are all of you doing in my store?"

"Shut up puppet boy, yeah." Deidara said smacking Sasori on the back. Deidara explained the situation while the other rounded up all the weapons.

Kisame hugged Samehada which licked him back. "Oh samehada I missed you so much." Kisame cried. "Ki ki ki." It chittered also weeping.

"I don't know you." Itachi shook his head then saw something out of the corner of his eye. Kisame saw him walk over and pick up a sheathed katana and stare deeply at it.

"Itachi... Are you ok?"

"It's Sasuke's." Itachi said.

"What?"

"The sword, it's the same sword Sasuke used to funnel his cheedori through." Itachi stared at it and a tear fell from his face. "Stupid little brother..." Itachi put the sword down and walked away. "I'm going to go wait in the plane." Itachi said.

"What's his problem?" Pein asked.

"Itachi told me that Sasuke was reborn ironically as his little brother again, but he and the rest of his family died in a car accident many years ago." Kisame said.

"I see." Pein looked after Itachi. "How unfortunate." He said then returned to gathering things.

Sasori lead Deidara into a back room where all of Sasori's puppets were hung. "Behold my workshop."

"Damn man you been upgrading, un." Deidara laughed.

"You have no idea, look at this baby." Sasori removed a tarp. "It was dug up in Japan." Sasori said revealing the massive puppet head. "I've been slowly rebuilding it."

"Duuuuuuuuuuude, un." Deidara gaped at the head which was larger than him.

"Hey quit gawking and get to work, we need to get all this stuff loaded into the plane a.s.a.p., I don't trust Orochimaru alone with the 2 prisoners." Pein shouted.

"Oh did you guys already pick up Kakuzu?" Sasori asked.

"Kakuzu? What?"

"Kakuzu, he works for the bank that owns my store, I assumed you guys had already gotten him." Sasori said.

"Why didn't you say so earlier you knuckle head, now all of u triple time it, Deidara, Sasori you guys come with me, we're gonna go get Kakuzu. Konan you're in charge." Pein said walking out.

"Konan?" Zabuza and Kisame both start laughing then Konan smacks both of them.

"Get to work you lazy slugs!" She roars.

"Ow! What the fuck?"

"Ow! I think she gave me a paper cut." Kisame and Zabuza get to work before Konan can hit them more.

Sasori leads the way to the bank a few blocks down.

"He's right in here." Sasori says.

"You're positive it's him?" Pein said.

"Nobody else on earth could have that many stitches." Sasori said as they walked in. Sasori walked up to a counter where a woman was sitting. "Hello I'm Sam, this bank owns my store, I need to speak with Michael Vault."

Pein and Deidara snickered. "His last name would be vault, he can't let go of money."

"I'm surprised his last name isn't money."

"I'm sorry sir, Michael was taken to prison yesterday, and turns out he had been embezzling money for years." The woman said.

Sasori, Deidara and Pein all look at each other then burst out laughing and exited the bank.

"I so called that." Pein said wiping away a tear from laughing so hard.

"What a chump." Deidara laughed.

"It was unavoidable." Sasori chuckled and took them to the jail.

"Deidara find Kakuzu and bust him, Sasori blast him with the machine, I'll distract the guards." Pein said pausing.

The others who had kept walking looked back at Pein. He spun at unbelievable speed. When he stopped he was no longer a he, he had shifted into the female beast path from ages ago and continued walking by a gaping Sasori and Deidara.

"Did you know he could do that, un?"

"That's a new one on me."

Kakuzu sat on the jail bench. He had been found out during a background survey and been fired and imprisoned and he lost all the money! He banged his head against the wall a few times then sat back down. "Ugh so this is what it feels like to lose everything... Sucks to suck." he sighed then saw something white out of the corner of his eye. A small clay cricket of some sort had appeared on his toilet near the window. "What the fuck?" He said then heard a woman's scream and several of the guards went running towards the door just as Kakuzu felt a tug in the back of his mind. Something was telling him to get as far away from the wall as possible. He rushed to the far corner by the bars just as the cricket exploded blowing a hole in his cell straight to the outside. "Well that's convenient." He laughed and ran outside. There was a yell from the front of the jail and all the gaurds ran back inside followed by a multiheaded dog beast. "Now there's something you don't see every day." Kakuzu arched an eye brow then something fell behind him. He turned to see Sasori standing before him with the memory machine. "Hey don't I know you?" _ZAAAAAAAAAPPPP!_ Kakuzu shot backward into the wall. "Ow." He said and fell on his face.

"Damn this thing has some kick to it." Sasori said as Kakuzu rose from the dirt.

"I'll kick your ass, Pinocchio." Kakuzu grumbled standing up and cracking his neck. "Ow that fucking hurt." He rubbed his sore skull then examined the situation. "What are we still doing here, RUN you dipshits!" Kakuzu said taking off.

"Hey wait for us!" Deidara said swooping down and picking up Sasori. The drill beaked rinni-bird rose up nearby with Pein (back to normal) on its back and Kakuzu hanging by his shirt in its beak arms crossed, clearly displeased about being carried like a baby by a stork. The 4 flew through the sky as evening turned to night. They headed back to the plane where everything had been loaded and took off back to base.

When they arrived Itachi leapt off the plane and raced back to head quarters while the others got everything onto moving trucks driven by Fugin and Raigin.

"Where's he going?" Asked Kisame.

"Who cares, un?" Deidara said.

"Hmm with the addition of Kakuzu all we have left to find is Hidan, Zetsu and ... Madara." Pein said then turned to look where Itachi was going then sighed. "Stupid Uchihas, hey Kakuzu, good news your the new head of anything money related."

"BOOOYAAA!"

"Idiot."

Itachi stepped inside HQ and walked to the cell of Yin and Yang. The 2 looked at him as he opened the door.

"You 2 use lightening and fire correct." He said standing over them.

Yin and Yang remained back to back on the floor but answered. "Yes."

"Then take these." He dropped Sasuke's sword and a fan with an Uchiha symbol next to them. "They belonged to members of my family. They should work similarly to you own weapons but much stronger." Itachi said and walked out leaving the door open. Yin and Yang exchanged a glance then followed Itachi taking the weapons with them. They followed him down a series of hallways until he walked into the massive training room Zabuza had beaten Yin in. Itachi walked to the other side of the room and turned to face them.

"Long ago, I had a brother, named Sasuke. I tried to train him to become the most powerful ninja ever, but I made a mistake. I taught him to hate me, despise me and use that to fuel his training and that was wrong. He held onto that hatred even after I had died and turned into a monster. I will not make that mistake again." Itachi said and through his Akatsuki coat to the side revealing the ANBU armor underneath. "As of today, you 2 are my students, and if you learn anything from me, learn this, hatred is an endless cycle, learn to forgive and clear your mind, otherwise your end has been chosen for you." Itachi took a fighting stance. "Now come at me with everything you've got."

Yin and Yang stood there for a second; they had never heard such words before. "Yes... Sensei." They said then held up the weapons they had been given.

"We hear your words." Yin said.

"And they burn in our very souls." Yang said. Together the 2 rushed at Itachi. Itachi smiled.

"Let's see if there is any meaning to my existence. Mangekyo Sharingan!"

Author Note: Damn that was long

Pein: you're writing the damn thing, it's your problem

Yahiko: well have shorter adventures!

Pein: make me, you work at Arby's


	6. Chapter 6

**Author note: yo Yahiko here, ready to rock one more time**

**Pein: … theres 3 more chapters in the first arch alone *sweat drop***

**Yahiko: shuddup, lets GO!**

**Disclaimer: I already told you, I OWN NOTHING, get a life**

Neo Akatsuki episode 6

Excavation and Renovation

Pein sat and watched as Kakuzu ran around the room organizing paperwork.

"Dear god what is wrong with you people!" he shouted at the accounting department. "You are all useless, I'll do it all myself!" he roared and shot out his tendrils killing all of them and ripping there hearts out.

"Thank you Kakuzu, now I have to explain to all there families how they were disemboweled in an accounting job." Pein said sipping coffee.

"It's not my fault, now shut up and go find Hidan for me." he said tapping at a computer.

"Oh right that reminds me." Pein said standing. "do you think it's possible Hidan is still stuck under that pile of rocks over in Japan?" he asked.

Kakuzu thought for a moment. "I suppose it could be possible, he is supposedly immortal." Kakuzu scratched his chin. "I suppose it's worth checking out." he said and Pein clapped him on the back.

"Glad you see it my way. Now off you go, oh and you're taking Deidara and Itachi's new students with you." Pein said and left the room.

"... What the fuck just happened?"

Kakuzu and his team exit the plane into a Japanese airport. The place was crowded beyond comparison.

"You figure out his location yet, yeah?" Deidara asked trying to get to their bags without blowing anyone up.

"Yes but we have a problem."

"What is it now Frankenstein, un?"

"It's in the outskirts of a large military facility."

"... Is this really worth it for Hidan, un?"

"Sadly if we comeback empty handed Pein will kill us so, yes."

"May we make a suggestion?" Yin said interrupting them.

"Yin and I will infiltrate the base and cause a distraction for you so that you may find Hidan." Yang said.

Deidara and Kakuzu stared at them for a second.

"I'm glad we brought them." Kakuzu said turning to Deidara.

"Me too, yeah." Nodded the blonde bomber with a goofy smile.

Back at Akatsuki head quarters Orochimaru slumped on the lounge couch next to Konan. "I am so fucking bored... I wish they had taken me along." he pouted crossing his arms.

"It's ok Orochimaru; just go find something to do." Konan said not looking up from the book she was reading.

Just then an anaconda slithered into the room and up Orochimaru's arm.

"Hello there, what have you found?" he asked the snake who hissed back several times.

"Really, you're sure it was him."

"hisssss."

"Good point he is kinda hard to mistake." Orochi said.

"What's he saying?" asked Konan now intrigued by the serpent man.

"He thinks he found Zetsu down town, I'll go investigate, anything to get out of here." he said getting up and leaving. "I'm taking Sasori with me." he called back.

"K." Konan said going back to reading then looked around. She smiled evilly, no one was around. She got up and rushed to Pein's office.

"It always surprises me how few people stare at us." Orochimaru stated as they walked.

"We are in New York City; anyone can blend in here, even Zetsu apparently." Sasori said from inside his puppet Hiruko. "Where did this snake of yours find him anyway?" he asked pausing.

"Hassebrooke Florists." They both burst out laughing.

"Only Zetsu would be found in a flower shop." Sasori chuckled.

"I know right." the 2 continued walking laughing there heads off.

Pein sat in his desk typing on his lap top when he heard a creak. He paused and closed his lap top then jumped back finding Konan on the other side.

"Konan? What are you doing, I almost killed you." he said looking at her lying across his desk.

"Oh Nagatooo." She cooed. "Wanna have some fun?" She snickered flirtatiously.

Pein narrowed his eyes. "Go back to work Konan." he said sitting back down and opening his lap top ignoring her.

"Awww come on Pein, you know you want me." she said peaking over the top.

"I know no such thing." he said typing.

"Come on, where's the sexy beast that nearly took me in the lab when we were awakened?" she nudging closer and whispering in his ear. "I see you and me doing it on this desk in 2 minutes. She purred.

"That was nostalgia." Pein said.

"Do you have anymore of that?"

"No."

"Do it."

"Konan, leave or so help me I will beat you with my ring hand."

"Come on Nagato, you owe me for dying without me last time, leaving me all alone without even a child." Konan said looking teary eyed.

"Go away."

"That's it! If you don't take me on this desk right now I will rape you!" she growled standing up on the desk and kicking the lap top away. "What's it gonna be captain Piercings?"

Pein looked her in the eye. "No." he said with an Icy glare. Konan screamed and tackled him.

Itachi walked down the hall. He was bored with no students to train; he had really gotten into the whole sensei bit, he was even writing a perverted novel. He decided he would ask Pein if he had a mission of any kind for him. He headed for the office and opened the door.

"Hey Pein-sama do you have a- he froze in place looking at Konan naked back toward him sitting on an also naked Pein's lap. They stared at each other for a few seconds. "… I'll come back later." He said still straight faced.

"Lock the door." Pein called.

"Way ahead of you." Itachi hollered back. He amaterasued the door then proceeded to walk back down the hall. "I need a girlfriend." he muttered walking down the hall away from the office.

Orochimaru itched his nose. "Ever get the feeling you just missed something really funny?"

"Constantly, why do you think I'm so impatient all the time?"

"I don't know, I just thought you were insecure and hated your life."

"Well yeah that too but mostly the other thing." They laughed.

The base erupted in several explosions. Yelling soldiers ran in every direction searching for the intruders. Deidara and Kakuzu walked calmly through the base as Yin and Yang blew stuff up on the other side. They walked into an empty desolate field until the reach a thick wood on the other side of it.

"Quickly you idiot, yeah!" Deidara said.

"Hold your horses, I'm lookin." Kakuzu said checking the map. "This should be the place." he said walking up to a large rock clump.

"You really think he's still down there, un?"

"One way to find out." Kakuzu kicks the rock pile and the muffled sound of somebody saying "Ow! Stupid bitch!" comes out.

"Huh, I'll be damned." he says staring at it.

"Hey Hidan, it's us, Deidara and Kakuzu, we're here to rescue you." Deidara shouted.

More muffled sounds came out that sounded very pissed.

"What did he say, un?"

"I think he said what took you assholes so long." Kakuzu said stepping back as Deidara placed his art all over the rocks. "Sorry we took so long, we kinda died... Several times." Kakuzu called. Something that sounded like muffled laughter came from the rocks. "God I hate him." Kakuzu growled hiding behind a tree. Deidara created a clay bird and flew into the air before detonating the explosives in and on the rocks. They blew sky high leaving a massive hole out of which crawled a severely burnt Hidan.

"What the fuck is wrong with you motherfuckers I aught to fucking kill both of you!" Hidan shouted.

"Shut up you cry baby, we have to get back to base before- Click click.

A dozen soldiers with automatic weapons surrounded the 3 Akatsuki.

"What the fuck is going on?" Hidan asked.

"You are all being arrested for trespassing on a military base." said one of the soldiers.

Kakuzu looked at them. "Do you really think you can hold us with those pathetic guns?" Kakuzu asked. He threw his cloak away and 2 of the grudge fear hearts rose from his shoulders turning into twin cannons on his back. "You obviously have never met the Akatsuki." he smiled as several of the soldiers dropped there guns and ran in fear. Others began firing. Deidara was air born in an instant and dropped a cascade of bombs on the fleeing soldiers. Kakuzu fired a flaming tornado incinerating another group of soldiers in a second. Hidan, riddled with bullet holes swung his scythe decapitating the remaining soldiers.

"Let's go before more show up." Hidan said already regenerating.

"We have to get Yin and Yang first, yeah." Deidara said.

"Who?"

"New recruits." Kakuzu explained as they headed for the rendezvous point.

"How long was I down in that fucking hole?" Hidan asked.

"Uh... About 500 years."

"... I hate you all."

"We hate you too now let's go, hop on, yeah." Deidara swooped down and plucked them up. They flew towards where they'd entered. Something roared behind them and suddenly 2 fighter jets shot past.

"Oh great, yeah." Deidara grimaced recognizing the Japanese fighters. They circled around and shot past again firing at them. Kakuzu turned as they came around a third time.

"Suck this!" he shouted shooting a bolt of lightening striking the wing of one of the jets. It careened into the other and they both dropped... Forward! The nose of one nailed the wing of Deidara's bird and Hidan was catapulted off.

"Damn it to Heeeeelllllllllllllll!" He shouted falling onto a desolate deserted area. "What the fuck is this place."

Deidara righted his bird and looked down at where Hidan had fallen.

"Oh shit, yeah!" he shouted as a far off silo launched a large missile. It shot by headed straight for Hidan. "Oh double shit, yeah!" he turned and bolted with Kakuzu. As the nuclear missile destroyed the location Hidan was standing.

"HOLY SHIT!" Kakuzu said looking at the mushroom cloud.

"Do you think Jashinism protects against nukes?" Deidara asked.

"NO! His body is only immortal as long he has it, if his entire body is destroyed... There's nothing to put back together!" Kakuzu stammered and looked at the mushroom cloud. "Hidan... Is dead."

Far away in a large church. A nun walks into an isolated room. "Lord God, I ask you, please enlighten me as to what I should do." she cried. Like a bolt of lightening she stood her eyes changing to a light pinkish color. "ALL HALE JASHIN!" She cried then looked down at her body and her cry echoed through out the church. "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

**Author note: hahahaha omfg I'm brilliant.**

**Pein: … Hidan a woman… god help us all.**

**Konan: review, if u don't we'll send Hidan after u ^_^**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author note: Yo yahiko here, lets get this party started!**

**Pein: I'm freighted by what you've done to Hidan**

**Yahiko: hehe its just getting started, on with the show**

**Disclaimer: u know what u own, quit fucking bugging me!**

Neo Akatsuki 7

Expect the unexpected… and the impossibly freaky

Kakuzu sat in the corner of their hotel room. Just sat there staring forward mumbling. "He's gone... He's really gone." he sniffled.

"Um Kakuzu... Are you ok?" Deidara asked. Yin and Yang got there own hotel room next door courtesy of Itachi. Deidara's cell went off and he answered it.

"Hello, un."

"It's me, did you get him?" Kisame asked.

"No, there was this whole incident with a fighter jet and a nuke and... Hidan is dead Kisame, dead and gone." Deidara said which just made Kakuzu sink deeper in his chair.

Kisame snickered on the other end. "He's dead alright but gone, no sir, turn on the news."

Deidara turned the TV on and turned it to the news as anchor woman appeared on the screen in front of a church.

"I'm standing here at Saint Aldeen church where a nun by the name of Sofia Jashin has gone completely mad."

Kakuzu rocketed out of his seat and stared at the TV. On it a silver haired woman was shouting and swinging a scythe in front of a church... Wearing nothing but her nun shall hat.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS!" She screamed from the doorway sending a group of cops flying. "KAKUZU WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

"That fucking bastard!" Kakuzu had fire in his eyes. "Deidara where is this church! I'm going to kill him!" Kakuzu roared causing the bomb ninja to take a step back.

"Um thanks Kisame... We'll go get him, un." Deidara said then hung up and looked at Kakuzu who's tentacles were twisting and coiling in agitation. "Um... I'm just gonna... Go tell Yin and Yang, yeah..." He runs out of the room and shuts the door behind him. "Oh Hidan is soooooo boned... Wait a minute... OMFG! HIDANS A CHICK,UN!"

Orochimaru and Sasori walked into the down town flower shop. The smell of various flowers immediately flooding there senses. "I know Zetsu is part plant but I would've pictured him as working in more of a slaughter house setting." Sasori said.

"I was just thinking the same thing." Orochi chuckled.

"Hello may I help you find something." A familiar voice said behind them. They turned around to find Zetsu standing before them in a signature flower shop tye dye t-shirt and Jean shorts (his Venus flytrap like part of his body was missing and his black half had a normal eye but other wise he looked the same).

"Hy there Zets- umm." Orochi looked at his name tag which read also in tye dye letters Harold. "Harold? ... Harold... Harold?"

"What?" Zetsu asked.

"Nothing it's just I'm trying to figure out how someone so strange can have such a normal name." Orochi said.

"Shut up and blast him already, we're behind schedule." Sasori stated.

"I'm getting to it, calm yourself Sasori."

"What are you guys talking about?" Zetsu asked.

"Nothing um could you turn around for a second?" Orochi asked.

Zetsu did as instructed and Orochi shot him in the back with the machine.

"Why didn't we just do that with Deidara?" Orochi said as Zetsu began to get back up his body returning to normal.

"Ow that hurt." his white half said.

"I'm gonna bite your head off." the black half growled annoyed.

"Shut up you over grown dandelion." Sasori said.

"Oh Harold is something wrong?" a woman's voice asked. The Akatsuki turned and standing before them was a tall statuesque woman with blond hair braided in a spiral hanging from her head by 2 long lochs. She wore an outfit like a doctor. She had a reticulated python wrapped around her neck and her eyes though kind reminded one of the python slithering across her shoulders.

"Oh hi Rachel." white Zetsu said then glanced back at the Akatsuki. "Don't kill her, she gives me money."

"Who are your friends?" the woman asked looking the 2 men in front her up and down. "Nice cloaks... Do they have it in hetero?" She laughed evilly.

"I think I'm in love." Orochimaru swooned.

"Ehen yes Rachel, these are my friends Sasori and Orochimaru, guys this is my boss Rachel, she runs the flower shop and the free clinic next door." Zetsu said noticing that Rachel and Orochimaru still had there eyes on each other.

"Nice python, how big is it?" Orochi asked.

"10ft 6 inches, call him Crona." She said

"Impressive, but I've seen bigger." Orochi said.

"Oh really, how big?"

"You wouldn't believe me." Orochi said.

"Oh really. Rachel walked over and leaned against him looking into his eyes. "Try me, I'm gullible."

Orochimaru looked at his awestruck team mates.

"What the devil are you staring at?" he asked.

"Possible the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, you picking up a woman... Before me." Sasori gaped.

"I think I'm gonna go on break, bye Rachel." Zetsu said before quickly exiting the shop with Sasori right behind him.

"Let me close up shop and we can talk more about snakes." Rachel said turning at which point Orochimaru picked up the memory machine and aimed at her. He smiled.

"Best idea ever."

"What was tha- _ZAAAAAPPPPPP!_

Itachi sat across the table from Pein and Konan completely silent.

"Now Itachi, can we trust you not to tell anyone about what you saw?" Konan asked.

"No... Definitely not, I'm considering the repercussions of texting Kisame right now... It's starting to look worth it." Itachi said monotone as ever, staring at his leader.

"Is there anyway we can convince you otherwise?" Pein said trying to take control of the situation.

Itachi thought for a moment then turned to his leader.

"I'll keep quiet... If you make my students official members of Akatsuki."

Pein raised an eye brow. "That's it?" Konan elbowed him. "I mean, of course, anything else."

"Yes."

"Damn."

"I want a 2 week paid vacation for 2 people to be used when ever I feel like it." Itachi said.

"Kakuzu is gonna kill me... Wait 2? Who's the second?"

"That is yet to be decided." Itachi said.

"Eh?"

"Do we have a problem?" Itachi asked thumb inching over the 'ok' button on his phone.

"NO!"

"FUCK ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. ALL OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES!" Hidan shouted swinging the scythe she/he'd found over a mantel. The news team watched as yet another squad of police was sent flying in there direction. It was a miracle nobody had been killed yet. But actually the miracle was nothing but Hidan exploring the knowledge given to him by possessing this woman. "I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! BRING IT!" Hidan shouted once more.

"HIIIIIIIIDDDDDAAAAAAANNNNNN

"What the fuck?" Hidan turned to see Kakuzu walking towards her/him. "Well it's about time you found me, what took you so fucking long?"

"I am going to rip your limbs off, sow them back on and rip them off again you FUCKING BASTARD! Kakuzu roared.

"Uh oh!" Hidan turned and ran Kakuzu hot on her/his tail.

"You want an out of body experience Hidan! I'll give you one!" Kakuzu roared.

Deidara, Yin and Yang watched as the 2 circled the church several times.

"Where do they get the energy?" Asked Yin.

"Easy, they're both complete idiots, un." Deidara said then the anchor woman walked up to him.

"Excuse me you seem to know the people up there can you explain what's happening?" the news woman asked shoving a mic in his face.

"Uh? Well... Here's how it is, uh my friend up there is a father from a nearby church and is attempting to exercise a demon from this young woman... Through fear of physical destruction, yeah." Deidara said watching.

"Get back here you bitch!" Kakuzu shouted swatting at Hidan.

"Or maybe the guys a pimp and the chicks his hoe, I don't know, un." Deidara laughed and watched the 2 circle the church about 50 more times then Hidan tripped and fell face first on the ground at which point Kakuzu came running around the corner tripped also an landed on top of the still entirely naked Hidan.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Deidara laughed as the 2 rocketed off each other blushing bright red, or redder in Kakuzu's case since he was already scarlet from anger. "Are you 2 love birds done, because I'd really like to get going, yeah." Deidara said.

"Right let's go."

"Bout damn ti- GACK!" One of Kakuzu's tendrils wrapped around Hidan's neck choking her/him.

"I will deal with you when we get back, now GET SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!"

"Yes please." Yang said the twins shielding there eyes from the naked woman.

"Maybe I don't want too." Hidan said.

"I'm sorry you seem to have mistaken that for a question, let me reiterate." Kakuzu threw Hidan into the church.

"Get some clothes on or I will Fucking kill you all over again!" Kakuzu growled.

"Ok ok, jeez don't go all psycho on me... You might turn me on." Hidan laughed maniacally as Kakuzu shot a fire ball at the door of the church.

"Screw the wrath of Jashin! If you ever say anything like that again you'll be facing the wrath of Kakuzu!" the tentacled ninja shouted.

Five minutes later Hidan walked out in an outfit almost slutty enough to be worse then when he/she was naked.

"Where the Hell did you get that?" Deidara asked.

"Apparently the chick I possessed use to be a prostitute." Hidan shrug not caring in the least.

"... I'm going to forget I heard that." Kakuzu sighed. "Lets go, come on, if we don't get back soon Pein is gonna kill all of us." he said. The group boarded the plane and flew home to a very surprised team.

(Akatsuki faces) 0/.\0 0.0 X.x 0.0 Ó.ò ó.Ò

"... What?" Hidan asked. "You act like you've never seen a woman."

"We have just never seen you as a woman." Kisame said.

"I can't believe none of you are laughing."

"Only a truly sick person could laugh at this." Konan stated.

"I'm back." Orochimaru said walking in. There was a small pause as he put 2 and 2 together. Then he burst out laughing. "Oh my god your a girl!" Orochimaru collapsed to the floor laughing his ass off.

"My point exactly." Konan said.

"Where have you been Orochimaru, Sasori and Zetsu were back 2 hours ago." Pein said as Orochimaru returned to his feet.

"I was hanging out with my new girlfriend." Orochi stated proudly as the others stared again. "... What you all believe me?" he asked.

"We're willing to believe Hidan is a chick, but that doesn't mean we'll believe anything." Itachi stated flatly.

"Hmmm good point."

"I personally am glad to have another girl on the team." Konan laughed

"Don't get use to it, Orochimaru here is gonna give me a sex change." Hidan stated.

"I am?" Hidan gave Orochi a 'I'm going to sacrifice you if you don't' look and Orochimaru agreed.

"Now then Orochimaru, tell us about this girlfriend of yours." Pein said.

"Yeah, what's his name?" Kisame laughed at his own joke.

"Very funny Kisame, but that's tough talk coming from the man with 200 Chris Ravenwood plushies under his bed."

"NO I don't, I do not have a bunch of plushies of Itachi under my bed... Or in my closet..." Kisame said mechanically looking back and forth suspiciously. "I must go now goodbye friends." he said and began to back away but Pein grabbed his collar and pulled him back.

"You aren't going anywhere, your needed soon." Pein said. "Now then continue Orochimaru."

Orochi smiled. "Why am I doing all the talking, Rachel why don't you tell them about yourself?" Orochi smiled as the woman stepped in the door behind him. She had switched from her doctor coat to a one piece suit with short legs and a hood with eyes on it. From the back an arrow head tail hung down.

"Please Orochi I told you to call me Medusa." She said leaning against him smiling evilly.

The Akatsuki stared.

"Holy shit she's hot!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Medusa here wants to join the Akatsuki." Orochimaru said as the arrow head tail obviously made of fabric came alive and draped itself over his shoulders.

Pein scoffed. "And what qualifies her for that?" he asked. "Did you shoot her with the memory ray and awaken her ninja abilities?" he asked sure of himself.

"Well I shot her with the memory ray but ninja… no she's more of a… witch." Orochimaru smiled at the others skepticism. "Why don't you show them?"

"Vector arrows." Was all that left Medusa's mouth when a black storm of arrows erupted from her back zigzagged around and shot toward Pein.

He threw up his arms and sucked the arrows away but stood silent non the less.

"… ok."

"Shall we go with the classic recruitment method? Survive one round with a current member." Orochi asked.

Peins eyes lit up and he returned to his more calm and cool self. "Of course, one round with a current member, the old fashioned way, and I have just the place. Medusa, Yin, Yang come with me ladies." Pein said walking off yanking Kisame with him, the girls following. Orochimaru smiled.

"Ooo this will be fun to watch." Orochi said starting to leave.

"Where are you going, un?" Asked Deidara.

"Duh I'm going to the observation room for the training room." Orochi said. "This is going to be a fun couple of fights."

**Author note: woot this is awesome, our first new friend**

**Pein: more like fiend if u ask me**

**Konan: yay more girls!**

**Pein: … no comment -:_:-**


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